Mental Health.

I started writing back when I was 13 because I felt really disconnected with everyone around me. Kids my age couldn’t understand what I was going through and adults around me would shoo me away saying I was too young to be feeling that way.

I was really depressed then, as a kid I couldn’t comprehend my sudden breakdowns, my mood swings, weight loss and bad appetite. I started reading books, then I started reading articles and somewhere I read something that said “I write it on a piece of paper so its no longer inside me” and I did that. Ardently I wrote anything and everything that came on my mind. I addressed letters to people I couldn’t stand up against, though I never sent them I felt like I was over it. more like after writing it down, I felt so light and the need to send those vicious, hateful letters out was no longer there.

Eventually, I started writing on a regular basis, I then made this blog and started writing about random things, but I couldn’t really write about the thing that I am really concerned about. Depression and mental health.

I don’t know why but I couldn’t gather enough strength to write about my traumas and put it out to the world. Not that I was scared but because I didn’t want to run my thoughts into a direction I never wanted to go back again in. But somehow today I feel like addressing it all to the world because during this pandemic, I have seen people struggling with there mental health a lot. I even lost a loved one to bipolar disorder which is not same as depression.

So I’ve decided my next few blogs will be focused on the few very vulnerable issues. I’ll be talking about my own mental health, my struggle with depression and how I over came it and how it still creeps up sometimes. I’ll be talking about bipolar disorder, depression, and ways to cope up with everything.

I would love to have you people connected with me and to suggest me about all this and help me make it better. I would welcome any suggestion you have for me, and I would love to reach out to any friend of mine who is struggling with their mental heath and I’d also request you to please be a little more considerate towards people around you because we really don’t know how our little act of generosity and care can impact other people’s lives.

Stay connected for the next few blogs on this. 🙂

You.

Clutched to you, I sat on my bed.

I could hear your heart beat and I could smell your scent,

Felt like bliss, felt like never before.

I closed my eyes and you hugged me tighter,

You ran your finger through my hair, made me feel loved.

I looked in your eyes and could see us together through it all,

I went back snuggling, but realized the exact moment how much I was gonna miss this feeling.

I remember we sat and you hugged me from behind,

Your chin rested on my head and your breath brushed against my cheeks.

You chuckled and kiss my cheek, whispered that you love me,

You held my hand tight while watching the video.

I loved how you pulled me close and made me sit in your lap,

I cannot express how accepted you made me feel.

I wont ever be in a position to thank you enough,

Never will I ever be able to put in words how much you mean to me.

The way you hold me, the way you look deep in my eyes,

How firmly you entangle your fingers in mine, like you’ll never let go.

There is so much about you I can go on speaking about,

But the most important is how you make me feel about myself.

I miss your touches, I miss you a lot,

But until next time, I’ll think about you and keep myself warm.

Childhood friend :”)

Dear long lost childhood friend,

I know we drifted apart, I know we both opted out.

Neither we could keep up to the “friends forever” tag,

Nor we kept our promise to always be there, no matter what.

We did think we were inseparable and no one could break us apart,

Well, no one but we ourselves did.

I remember how you’d convinced me to watch a horror movie,

I remember how you’d ask my parents to let me stay over.

Do you remember you taught me to play badminton,

Do you remember hanging on your terrace because my crush would pass by?

Hey, I don’t remember the last time we randomly hung out,

But I do remember the last thing we fought over.

It was too trivial if you look back at it,

Don’t you think we could have mend it?

I sometimes wonder if you ever think of me, of our friendship,

But then I think maybe its better this way.

But I miss you, I miss what we had,

If you ever come across this, know you were special to me.

We may have grown out, we may never talk again,

But remember, you are what my childhood comprises of.

I hope you don’t find yourself ugly anymore,

Because I never said but everything about you was perfect.

Maybe I know things can never be the same ever again,

But if there is another life, I still want you to be my childhood friend.

No one is ever going to be there for you as much as you yourself will be.

Hey,

I have never really been vocal about my struggles and problems, atleaast not with everyone or at a platform with people i barely know. but today, i decided to share a little anecdote from my life. isn’t really intriguing but for anyone who feels suicidal, or low, i’d say give it a read.

I think, while we are looking out for people, and we are actually not willing to look out for our own selves. I wonder, how much time on an average do we give to ourselves as compared to others or how often do you realize we actually neglect our feelings, our emotions in order to listen to people around us.

I don’t know about you but for me, I have always been willing to shape myself into a considerate, kind human and I have always wanted everyone to do the same. but you know? I got lost mid-way.

While I was being there for people, i forgot to be there for myself. i often thought that if I can stand up for people, with people, I can stand up for myself too. But I could’nt. And so i let myself down.

When I drowned in the seemingly infinite ocean of gloomy, depressing thoughts, I searched for help. I, who wanted to save everyone was wanting to be saved. My anxiety got worse. My anxious self started doubting my conscious. And trust me, it gets worse when you are all on your own, physically, emotionally and mentally.

No one was there for me, no one. but i was for them. and that was the most difficult thing to accept for me.

I don’t blame anyone for this now but its because I understood, I needed to look out for myself when i was trying to be there for others. i should have stopped when i was taking away my personal space and time and placing it in the hands of others.

I felt lonely, i blamed myself for being a person who was vulnerable and weak, i hated myself for needing someone to be there with me, i didn’t want to be in a space like this where i cried myself to sleep, where it felt like no one has time for me, i didnt want to feel like a burden to anyone, neither i wanted to share my misery anymore. but this wasn’t it.

i hadn’t known anxiety until i looked deeper in my life. i constantly checked my phone maybe every 5 mins, i would freak out if i slept and wake up to no texts, or i’d feel completely lost if my friends would not talk to me even after i texted them about how low i was. I would get angry, low, sad and all to myself. i felt like i was changing, to an extend that i thought i was losing my sanity.

i felt like the people i had known before were changing. i could see how much i had given myself to the people i love and they didn’t see me struggling. i was seeing toxicity taking over me. i saw how i was feeling how nothing, no one was there for me when i needed them the most. i just wanted to run away and disappear from their lives, i felt lost. i felt unheard. unattended. i felt i wasnt anyone’s priority and that they’d only talk to me when they were free or when they had nothing else to do. and i still do. and i know half the people wont even make an effort to read this till here. i know no one would bother.

But if you did, please look out for yourself before you look out for everyone else. And for me this shit that i told you isn’t even over yet, i still feel the same but i am trying the best i can. I am still struggling but i feel since i introspected myself, i really dont have any complaints from anyone. i really dont need people to save me because i have understood i can make myself better.

i have started getting involved in support groups, i have started believing that its okay if no one cares, i will take care of myself. i know it might seem a little weird, but i have decided to set my boundaries. As much as the toxicity wanted me to not be there for anyone anymore, I still want to be there for the people i love and care for. But, I have decided to be there for myself before i be there for them.

sounds selfish, right? A little.

A world without you.

Since yesterday, I have been thinking of what would it be if you were gone. And trust me, its not easy for me to analyse. And for the fact I know, I dont want a day like that to come in my life.

But for you to know, it wont be a place worth living like. With so much to look up at, I’ll have no one to look up to.

No matter how many friends i have, no matter how many people I know, nothing would fill in the gap of you.

I know pain would come easier than a little smirk. I know I wont want to try smiling either. Because what will i smile at?

I won’t want to look at myself and I won’t want to be okay, because whats the point anyway ?

If you go away, I know I’d be broken beyond repair. I know I won’t move on and stick to all that we had, and trust me that’s okay.

But what’s not okay is the world without you. Because where will I go in this world if I’ll have no where to be home?

Because no matter how hard I try, I’ll look for you in everything that i have. And I’ll still be living for you.

The rains won’t excite me, the goodness in the world won’t matter, ice creams won’t make me happy, and nothing would make sense to me.

There won’t be anyone to hold my hand when I cross the road, no one who’d believe in me more than i do, no one will drive like crazy for me, no one will get excited over stupid thing that i do. No one that would belong to me.

My heart feels as if its sinking and I feel like I am drowning too. So when i say, you are everything to me, know that you really are. Please know that nothing in this world would ever be at par with you.

I love you more than life, and i dont want to be here without you. So please, please stay here with me. And live with me.