An auto ride.

I had a rough day, so I booked an auto for home. I was very disappointed, angry and hurt that time. I had lost my ability to judge anything in my surroundings and all I wanted was to run home as soon as possible.

“hello ma’am, I am waiting for you at the marked location.” the driver called.

I went to the place, shared with him the OTP, put the earphones on and got lost in the song.

“there’s a hope waiting for you in the dark. you’re beautiful just the way you are”, playing, and my tears rolling down, one after another.

“madame, I am the same driver you left the extra change with the last time. You live in F-block, don’t you?” said the man.

I looked at him through the mirror, only to convince myself that I did see him before. I smiled, while agreeing to his apprehension.

“yes.” I said.

“see, I am 55 years now, but I remember everything! Haha.”

I took out my right earphone. Just because I thought he was trying to put me up. I don’t know if he figured out about my day, or he really found comfort while taking to me, but he continued.

“ma’am, I have kids of your age. You know, they went to a school. My elder daughter goes to the college, while the younger one is still in school.” his face lighted up with joy and pride. “I also wanted to go to school.”

” but life you know… ” he continued. Turning grey, and pale. I could feel the crack in his voice, I could feel the pain and the agony of the man who then said, “life isn’t easy. Life isn’t hard on you either. Life is the outcome of your reaction. Of how you interpret and react to it.”

He takes and pause, looks at me through the rear view mirror, we exchange a warm eye contact. I acknowledged his words and pain. He then passed a dead grin. I looked at him again, sticked to the road, eyes that were filled with tears. All that his mind had, all that hurt his heart was almost up till his throat. I guess, he wanted to go on. I was eager to know. But wasn’t ready to take more of stress. Maybe he wanted to let out to a stranger. But maybe he understood that I wasn’t really string enough to hear him out. So he, just like all of us gulped it down. Down it went like a trail of blood. Chocking his heart once more.

The rain started to fall. The thunder louder than the voices inside us. That moment I realized, how hard it is to let out what we carry in our hearts. I realized, how coward one can be, to not listen to anyone else’s pain because they themselves are hurting. I understood, conveying the pain and grief to anyone else is much more difficult than keeping it within and hurting ourselves. But I also got to know how it’s easier to let it out to people you don’t know.

It made me realize what we’ve made of ourselves. Ruthless beings. Shredded and wounded. Greedy and malice. Probably, we are just living together forming an economy, but we’re not together to hold each other.

I thought of it, while still sitting in the auto, what If I’d listen to him? Maybe he’d felt a bit lighter. Maybe he and I won’t cross paths ever again, but the story that he was about to tell me would’ve outlived this 30 mins journey. But alas, despite of me wanting to know what happened in his life, and despite of him wanting to share his pain, we remained quiet.

The sound of brakes. A pause. Piercing voices. So many questions. Too many curiosity. Rain. And thunder.

“madame, here is the destination, 43 rupees!”

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Everyday phenomenon.

“I love you” he murmurs, while his sparkling eyes meeting mine.

“I love you” I say, with a lower tone, and a soar throat.

He stands there, as I sit in my car. Like a gentleman, waiting for me to leave. I see him smiling at me.

As the engine starts, my heart begins to ache. I don’t want to leave. Even when I know I’d see him again the very next morning.

As the distance increases, I see him standing still and I keep looking at him until it all turns into nothingness.

I would reach home and probably have his messages on my phone or I’d do one, but at that moment I start missing him already.

His smell on my clothes, starts to fade away. The sensation of his touches start to normalize. It’s not long back that I was with him but why do I crave for him like this?

I’d spend my whole day loitering around, building castles out of clouds. And he’d just add details to it. He’d make it so beautiful everytime.

I’d wait for the entire day to listen to him over call. To see his name flashing on my screen. And as soon as it happens, I’d pick the phone up and listen to his voice that fills me with immense joy and love.

The evenings turn out to be sober and calm. But as soon as the night hits and the surroundings get dull, I miss him. The need to see him and be around him tends to take over my sanity.

We’d talk at the night till we both give in and let sleep take over us. After the “take care(s), I love you(s) and goodnight(s)”, I fall back on my bed.

I look up at the roof, and unconsciously think about him. About how he makes up to me everytime. I’d often imagine him laughing and that would have me smiling at the midnight, dumb and blank. I’d think of all the little details that he has; of how fine is every thing on his body. I’d often think about everything he told me in that day, I’ll let it all sink in. I’d be gushing to myself about how he looks at me, about how he holds my hand, about how he’d tuck my hair behind right before planting a kiss on my cheek or my forehead. And how he’d make me feel so special and what not…

…And I’d fall asleep. All happy, and wanting to wake up the next Morning only to see him again.

Why are we all so vulnerable?

It breaks my heart into a thousand pieces when I look around myself, only to realize that we are all wounded. All of us are all trying to hide something behind our smiles.

I see happy faces hiding the greatest heartbreaks. I hear the screams that we hide behind those loud laughter. I feel the urge to hold on when people say “goodbyes”.

What an irony it is to see people in love not being together because the time wasn’t right. Where I’ve seen people holding on to each other even when they wanted to let go.

I see the pain, the agony of the hearts that were meant to beat together, thumping on different rhythms now.

Look around, don’t you see those Heavy hearts, greeting each other with happy faces?

I would want you to acknowledge those two ripped souls, trying to put each other up, hurting themselves a little more,

It tears me down to look at those Fable bones, trying to hold together so as to protect the wounded braveheart,

How it stings me, but not you, to acknowledge the people who keep themselves suffering but try to comfort others.

I see the pain, hollowness and vein continuously brushing through the walls of everyone’s hearts, thinning the walls of warmth.

How merciless are we on ourselves to let us suffer the consequences of broken hearts, of our broken promises, and our broken trusts.

How we know the reasons of our sufferings and are unable to do anything about it. But we still try to keep us warm.

Why are we all so broken, and vulnerable? Guess, we know it all.

You became my poetry.

“I wish I could be the reason you smile,

I wish I could be the one you want for life,

I wish love stays this time,

I wish you and I make it right.”

You know, you’re the one I didn’t see coming in my life. You’re like the sunshine to me.

While I was busy trying to keep myself warm in the rains, suddenly you came, and brought rainbows along.

You filled me up with joy, love and colors. You keep me warm.

You brought along with yourself the butterflies that had bid goodbyes to me long back ago.

You brought the fun and the happiness back to my life.

You’re like the moon to me.

While I was busy wishing upon the ruthless stars, you sneaked in and my wishes come true.

You gave me peace, you gave me shine, you gave me home, while I abandoned mine.

You shined through the darkest nights, bold and young. So I fell for you right away.

You blessed me the sight of the firebugs, that the stars couldn’t make me see.

You gave me love, you gave me power, you gave me faith.

You came to me like a blessing, just as serene as it shall be.

You gave me reasons to smile, to put myself up. You trusted me all over again. You became my wings, and gave me flight.

You gave me so much of you, so much that no one could believe. You showed me a side of yours that no one knows.

You reached me in ways that healed me way beyond my wounds. You cherished me and made me fall in love with myself.

I had forgone the wisdom of my pen long back ago. But then, you became my poetry, beautiful and immortal.

Hey bast Frand,
.
You know? When you’ll be gray and old, I am pretty sure you will narrate stories about our friendship to your grand kids.
You will tell them how blessed you were to have me by your side.
You will tell them about how I used to embarrass you everytime and everywhere, but you’d still bear with me.
You will tell them how everything would just turn into laughter when we were together.
You will tell them how nothing made sense at all when we were together.
You know? I am sure you’ll forget to tell them many things because you’ll be a grey beard by then.
But what I am definitely sure is that even then, after approximately 60 years from now, you’ll still not forget about the 60 rupees that you paid for my sub.
🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

Do you?

Some days I wonder, Do you still talk about me as much as I talk about you. Or do you tell ‘her’ about me, about how you and I shared a world of our own.

I wish if you do, you never say ‘it wasn’t love’. I wish you never make ‘her’ see my pictures and say ‘she was my mistake’.

Well I don’t know if you’ve found your ‘special someone’ but If you have, I wish you love her more than what you did to me. And she loves you more than what I did to you.

I ponder upon thoughts of whether you talk to your friends about me when you are all high and carefree. I don’t know if they’ll still laugh at me.

But if you do, do you tell them that you miss me? That there was a time we couldn’t even imagine ourselves apart. And today, here are we.

When I look around myself, I see many things that take me back to you. Things which I can still link you with. Huh, and then I pause and I think, an I the only one, or Do you also experience that?

If you do, do you put them off or do you just smile at them and move on? Do they bother you and make you think about how I am doing?

You know? Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror, I feel as if you’re still there. That you’d care. That I shall run back to you. But then, I look at myself closely, only to realize we are both happier. Maybe. Atleast that’s what I’d want to believe.

I wonder if you pass through a place, and link it back with me. ‘the first place we met at’, ‘the first place we hugged at’, ‘the first place we kissed at’ and so on…

do you? I do. I do, and hence I try to avoid the places that take me back to you. I avoid going towards those places because I know they’d make me weaker. They’d make me feel I shouldn’t have let you go. That I should’ve tried harder for ‘us’.

You know, when we were together, it wasn’t just things, or places that we shared. It wasn’t just a world that we made. It was beyond what we realised back then. We shared people too. We shared songs as well. We shared so much that it’d be impossible to line it all up here.

But cutting it short, Do you look at the boys selling the newspapers and the balloons down your home and recall ‘the first photograph of us together’? I do. Well, When I see them, I smile at them because they remind me of you.

Well do you come across the songs that I once dedicated to you, or the songs you dedicated to me? Do you skip them just like I do, or would you dedicate them to your ‘someone’ ?

Your ‘someone’ that I wanted to be. Now that I will never be. That’s what breaks my heart.

We could’ve fought the world for each other. We loved each other. Didn’t we?

You know? I’ve loved you and you’ve loved me to an extend that it breaks my heart now.

Why? Because I know, I will never fall in love with someone the way I did with you. I know no one will love me the way you did. And even if they do, I won’t be able to put so much of me into them as I did with you.

And you know what hurts the most? With you, I’ve also lost so much of me that I’d carry a heavy heart for the rest of my life, and there is absolutely nothing you or I could do about it.

(Hey! I wish you’d read this. I wish you’d now agree that it wasn’t just for sometime. That you meant the world to me.)